Saturday, 19 October 2013

Regrets, I've had a few

Last night I did something I regret. I knew as I was doing it that I would regret it. But I didn't stop myself, I did it anyway. It was something I had promised myself I would never do and I was so upset I did it anyway........

I put Grapie in her cot crying and walked out of the room. This is something that may not seem like a big deal to some mums, but it's I feel quite strongly about not doing. when Princess was a baby, I let myself feel pressured into trying controlled crying, just the once, and it's my biggest regret from her childhood. I understand that it works for some children, but I firmly believe that there are some children, the more strong willed children, that it is not suitable for and my girls fall into that category. It did so much damage to Princess and her sleep problems, it made her afraid of her cot, and she is still afraid of being on her own in bed.

So I promised myself that I would never put a child of mine through that again. And now I have. Now I know I wasn't attempting to try controlled crying again, and she was actually only in her cot for a minute as my partner knows how I feel about leaving her to cry, so went straight in to her, while I sobbed on the sofa, already regretting it. But I still feel terrible, like I've let her down. But she just doesn't sleep and wants to be held all the time, and I just reached breaking point and just needd to put her down. She won't be held by anyone but me, she screams the place down if daddy even tries to take her off me, and only ever sleeps for 2 hours at a time. Which usually I just dig deep and cope with, but not last night.

And today I feel terrible, like a monster mummy. But I'm probably feeling more guilt than necessary really, she still slept in my bed cufdled up withe last night in the end so she probably doesn't blame me too much.